A broken heart for Christmas

I wrote this December 22 and forgot to finish it and post it.

I hesitate to write this knowing people read my blog, but my blog is here for an outlet for me to write down my thoughts, feelings and memories - so I am going to write trying to forget that anyone will read this - as this posting is a bit of a confession... - and I guess confession is good for the soul and a bibilical command anyways...

Yesterday at church I was met there by God and given a very special Christmas gift.
I have been stuggling with my relationship with God for probably a year or two now.
Mostly because I am so busy that I rarely spend time with God. That fuels my feelings of inadequacy, failure and the feelings of being a very poor, irresponsible and ungrateful child of God.

I struggle with the Body and the Church and how they play a part of other believer's lives. I believe that sometimes people are so consumed with spreading the Word and reaching out that they forget to take care of their own Body. Don't get me wrong- I fully believe in evangelizing and spreading the Word to those who have not heard. That being said, I know a lot of believers are hurting, broken and struggling, and if one part of the Body is hurting, the whole Body is affected. If only we took the time to help each other - imagine how much more a effective we would be as the Body of Christ reaching out to those who have not heard - imagine how much MORE Christ would SHINE through all of us, if we were healthy as individual parts of the whole Body -

The only reason I mention that stuff is because it's part of the reason I haven't been in the Word and have missed a lot of church over the last several months - that and the busyness stuff again...

So back to yesterday - it was a Christmas message reminding us WHO the God is who came down to earth that we celebrate Christmas for.

I think the biggest thing that got me was - "until you see God as a Daddy who loves you so very much" you won't understand fully God's love for you.

Thinking about how much David and I love our kids (David as the Daddy) it struck me as different as I have ever viewed God.

I come from the type of background (and personality) where I feel like God (and other Christians) expect me to be perfect. Read my Bible everyday, go to church every Sunday, be careful what I say, do - do this, don't do that -etc. And when I fail (which of course I do, because I cannot be perfect) I feel like God is angry at me, or maybe not angry as much as He is dissappointed in me. So, because I feel like a failure I am embarrassed to go to God - to get closer to Him, because what kind of hypocrite am I that can continue to fail God and then go back to Him appologizing and expecting Him to just let me pick up from where I was and act like nothing was wrong?

So I don't go to God. I hide from Him - I don't want Him to see how horrible I am, how inconsistant, selfish and prideful I am - so I stay away - so that I don't have to be embarrassed and He doesn't have to be dissappointed in me and what I am doing with my life - it's an endless cycle. I honestly think I don't want God to find me where I am, I am afraid of what He will think and the saddness I would bring to Him not serving and loving Him with all that I am.

I know in my head that I cannot be perfect (nor can other Christians around me) - yet I expect perfection and I don't really know how to quit that.

So - back to thinking about parenting and our children. Do I expect my children to be perfect?
No. Do I expect my children to listen to everything I say? No. Do I expect my children to do everything I tell them to? - I want them to do all these things but I know they won't.

I want the very best for my kids - and I love them no matter what they do. I want them to be good, to listen, to love each other and love me - but even if they don't and even when they are bad - I LOVE Them - and STILL want the best for them.

How humbling to think of God as a loving "Daddy". He loves me even when I stray from Him.
He wants the best for me, even when I am not choosing the best for myself. He's not wanting me to hurt, struggle or be in pain. I am those things on my own. He wants to find me, heal me and love me - just as I am - even though I have not been seeking Him.

Who is this God who would come down, immerse himself in the dirt and uglyness of our world - to be our friend, heal us, teach us, love us and show us the way that we can get out of the dirt and uglyness and be with Him?

Over the last couple years God continuously pursues me - reminding me that I am His and I am loved - yet I cannot keep up with all that I am "suppose to do" and it just keeps me down and away from Him.

Even the words of familiar Christmas Hymns broke my heart reminding me - and calling me closer to Him. Remembering that Emmanuel (God with us) Came down for even me.

O holy night! The stars are brightly shining, It is the night of the dear Saviour's birth. Long lay the world in sin and error pining. Till He appeared and the Spirit felt its worth. A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices, For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn. Fall on your knees! Oh, hear the angel voices! O night divine, the night when Christ was born; O night, O holy night, O night divine! O night, O holy night, O night divine! Led by the light of faith serenely beaming, With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand. O'er the world a star is sweetly gleaming, Now come the wisemen from out of the Orient land. The King of kings lay thus lowly manger; In all our trials born to be our friends. He knows our need, our weakness is no stranger, Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! Behold your King! Before him lowly bend! Truly He taught us to love one another, His law is love and His gospel is peace. Chains he shall break, for the slave is our brother. And in his name all oppression shall cease. Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we, With all our hearts we praise His holy name. Christ is the Lord! Then ever, ever praise we, His power and glory ever more proclaim! His power and glory ever more proclaim!